Communication breaking down. …and hearts keep breaking too

…I looked at you –
– just a smile in the front seat –
and said
– without saying anything –

“We found each other”

…?

And you smiled back at me and said “Yes, Elle, we did.”

Many issues we encounter in life become like snowballs. They become exacerbated, build exponentially, because of the fact that they’re happening. They fundamentally change the original starting point, the point before which the issue even came into existence like the Big Bang.

Put simply: they are now a “thing”,

And once something is a thing, its mere presence has its own consequences.

EXHIBIT A: you had a doctor or therapy appointment, and the provider cancelled last minute for whatever (quite possibly, valid) reason. 

Presenting problem (most likely to be identified):

an appointment that was scheduled to address something is not happening. When will we be able to address it, so that it does not fall through the cracks and then something undesirable happens because it fell through the cracks? 

ADDITIONAL problemS (LESS likely to be identified): this thing actually happened and I’m feeling some type of way about that fact. 

Consequentially, there are mostly valid thoughts like:…

1) A relied upon structure has failed and is now less reliable, including such structures as scheduling and maintaining appointments, as a way to make human coordination and collaborate work or accessing resources in the community, like doctors or public transportation or family support or disability income or democracy.

(sidebar: “accessing” here is a very wide-reaching term…being able to actually access something entirely depends on multiple things. Including, but not limited to:

-finding/locating/identifying the thing (like a resource of source of support) 

-having the confidence/motivation/self-worth/time/energy/money/education/transportation to invest in connecting with the thing and, 

-being able to conceive of the thing as even being available for specifically THEM - SEE as a resourcE they have a right to use just as much as the next person. (As a social worker and policy analyst, my biggest area of focus is tied to a fundamental belief that SOMETHING IS NOT ACCESSIBLE IF A PERSON DOES NOT SEE IT AS AN OPTION …ie see it on the table, as something possible for THEM). A clear example of this is persons living in low SES not seeing education, and subsequently more profitable and fulfilling jobs, as options for THEM. Another clear example is oppressed populations, like women and persons of color, not seeing the possibility of being POTUS as something possible for THEM.)

-being able to fully take advantage in that thing because of trusting - a prerequisite necessary to continue following up with anything - that that thing can actually work for THEM (which links back to the previous point). - READ: RELIABILITY

2) People have failed - you thought they would be there you, that you weren’t alone in this world, etc etc.
- READ: RELIABILITY

…and subsequent feelings (100% valid …because feelings are always, without exception, 100% valid) like

-sad
-angry
-afraid 
-anxious 

IN CONCLUSION: Being able to trust that a system or structure has been both established and adhered to is VITAL. Any time that trust is broken, in even the most seemingly small way, we’ll honey…

We got a problem.

😐

(yea, if I were a lawyer presenting that exhibit in a court, I would totally finish up like that. It would make an impact. …🤦🏻‍♀️ I truly missed my calling as a lawyer - many of my cohort in Philosophy went on to law school…not me though, no I apparently though more under-the-influence deep thought was the way to go. 🙄)

SO – going back to the title of this post – it’s not just about fixing the communication so that it’s no longer broken down.

“When anyone anywhere reaches out for help, I want the hand of AA always to be there. And for that, I am responsible.”

Alcoholics Anonymous’
“Responsibility Statement”

Just noticing that there is a significant difficulty and/or difference in your ability to communicate with someone, especially someone important to you, fuckin sucks.

So now what? What do we talk about first? Fixing the communication issue?

Well yea but I can’t start to even get there because I’m close to devastated this this even happened! Remember when we communicated so fluidly?

Remember when

…I looked at you –
– just a smile in the front seat –
and said
– without saying anything –

“We found each other”

…?

And you smiled back at me and said “Yes, Elle, we did.”

…?

What happened to that??

(Devastated and urgent)

It was so beautiful!!

(Recalling and nostalgic and bowing over and over again in humble and grateful reverence”)

It went away and

EXHIBIT B: once again

I lost something precious like a diamond on the ocean floor.

“You’re so stupid, Rose!”.

James, September 2020
– laying drunk
in an ER bed, spooning me,
where I
stay
for the 13th hour

---

So no

I will not send the broken heart emoji.

(I know how much that hurts you.)

And I will try to communicate even though there’s a problem with our communication that

nothing can be said.