So now they’re calling the crisis “depression” or “anxiety” By Elle B. Hunter it gets very dark in here sometimesa…
PSA: don’t watch Midsommer
Triggering doesn’t begin to capture what my week was like, after watching this movie last Saturday night. If your journey…
Today I commit to mutual sustenance
Just like my mom, I had to make it to 47 years old to get this. Love. Real Love. Someone…
Echos of Road Rage and Lost Love in Hyde Park
Hooding ceremony today. Recognition for my second Master’s degree. Yeah. My posse stood behind me. Start a graduate program PossePartial…
Generation
Sharon Tate et all were brutally slain by some hippies…how different were they from the ones who drove away from…
8 feet and 3 inches and a rat with wings
He was a greenish black like the rest of them. Birds with their feathers that look like sheets satin across…
How Anonymous?
My sponsor and I recently studied the Traditions. How anonymous? How much do I say about my recovery? How open…
It is ok, now, family, to see.
The Is is here and you are part of it and you are safe., and when you are convinced you…
Good Morning, Family – my name is Elle and I’m an alcoholic.
It’s not all doom and gloom. I know I write about ugly shit. It is to be transparent about what…
Ask any of us: “what is the opposite of addiction?”
Holy moments live in guitar notes Layla Sweet child of mine Or red paint brush strokes Guided by wolves’ hands…
2 Apartments, 1 heartbreak later
White cotton training bra, white cotton shirt
The first day of school is a big deal when you’re young Even if you’re not starting 6th grade at…
Belle
Yes it was the 90s she was almost that grunge hippie leading to something darker eventually eventually but she still…
All good points, but
How do you look within, work on bettering yourself, truly practice self-care (or as an instructor in school said “self…
It’s not you it’s them
I don’t forget the unspoken agreements we make with our eyes in those moments. Have you ever been utterly confused…
If you’ve been told you have traits of “Borderline Personality Disorder”, tell them you’re informed and know that’s a stigmatized word for “doing one’s best to live with trauma”.
They say certain people pick up on minute changes in facial muscles. Almost undetectable facial expression shifts. And that those…
He was praying and I was going to work
(Post in progress)
Sobriety
Once you’re past the first step, once your past needing or even wanting drugs or alcohol, then comes life. And…
The 6th Step
Hi Family (friends of Bill)! This is my prep for a lead I’m giving on Step 6 – maybe it…
January 1st, 2021 – relapse isn’t always drinking
2020 was a hard year for everyone. Alice met me at the hospital closer to her than me – I…
“There is no exit.”*
Isn’t anyone tryin’ to find me?Won’t somebody come take me home? Avril Lavigne Gen X or Millenialsor poor sweet bless…
“Without Me”
Two trailer park girls go round the outsideRound the outside, round the outside Eminem, 2004 Every time I hear Slim…
I wish you could feel this
You went back to what you knewSo far removedFrom all that we went throughAnd I tread a troubled trackMy odds…
You should have known this was coming, husband #2 – what, you think they teach us weakness in AA?
Tell me what you want from meLike you need a weaker girlKind of like the girl I used to beYeah,…
Doesn’t stand for Jameson and I want a divorce (again)
This to every single one but the one freshman year who carved “Elle” and a heart in the real tambourine…
I want a divorce …and someday, I’ll pray for you
Well, you almost had me fooledTold me that I was nothing without youOh, but after everything you’ve doneI can thank…
Freshmen
When I was young I knew everythingAnd she a punk who rarely ever took adviceNow i’m guilt stricken, sobbing with…
Those Teenage Years (Ally Sheedy was right)
And I can tell you my love for you will still be strongAfter the boys of summer have gone Don…
I think I thought I saw you try
I have a problem with peoplewho don’t careabout loveabout me.About Juliet and RomeoLayla and MajnunRose and Jack.These are the ones…
You Know
Get your massageget highget your vape and cigar and rolled cigarettes with the homemade filters.Keep up your hustle and get…
Jolene
When you have his children you have him for life. I could never pull him from what he’s doing -…
Jameson (I just wanted to say goodbye)
Last night while I slept you were completely different.And so was I.You smiled.And you were a little bit taller, tall…
All I have tonight is my resentments
God grant me the serenityto accept the things I cannot change,courage to change the things I can and wisdom to…
A thoughtful disposition on acid, philosophy, and trauma
You might be familiar with the word “dissociation.” (Please note, it is not “dis-association”). Dissociation: Association: Considering these definitions, I…
Love and Character Defects
I never meant to start a warI just wanted you to let me inAnd instead of using forceI guess I…
War
“Athena has no mother and is born…either “from Zeus’ forehead by parthenogenesis” or “within Zeus and then escapes from his…
We love you Britney
So we’re all on the same page now, right? Sam is trafficking her? Probably working with her dad? This poor…
I wanted to be “rock and roll’s most iconic [muse]”
Pattie Boyd is undeniably one of rock and roll’s most iconic muses. Having inspired songs like George Harrison’s “Something” and…
“Anxiety over depression” – what a grave mistake
“I miss the comfort in bein’ sad.” Kurt Cobain “Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge on Seattle”In Utero, 1993 In…
Outside the Tapas restaurant
going all the wayback back to the ones before the son of the son of Socrates’ Mover merely pointed his…
Social media
Devil. When I grew up you didn’t have to worry about why he “mentions” her and not you.
Speaking of Dessa (and the Queen)
I haven’t met a locked door yetThat I couldn’t beatOn a chain around my neckI keep my skeleton key Don’t…
That last line: articulations of a former crack smoker.
Until you remember THIS – this one right here – this is MY life. This blog is not just a…
Chicago winters
If you’re not careful, they’ll get you. Minimal hours of grey light and nonstop icy wind. Naked tree branches.Regret.Mere glimpses…
“…life, and life only”
I’ve been multiple levels beyond anxious because of partner problems and school. Handed in my biggest assignment last Thursday night,…
Poly variations
Sometimes you’re a side chick the wife gave him permission to have. Sometimes you live with your only partner and…
A poem from a sunny Friday morning in August 2022; and finding new artifacts.
remindersall of themfailed attempts to make this life mean something THOSE ARTIFACTS SHE ALLUDED TOa perfectly folded printout of directions…
Oops I forgot about Dessa
Dessa is a rapper and writer based in Minneapolis, and a member of the indie hip-hop collective and record label,…
The Devil on the top of Pele: it was a sacrifice, and now “J” on the bottom of my sternum doesn’t stand for James anymore
Boys get discovered as winter meltsFlowers competing for the sunYears go by and I’m here still waitingWithering where some snowman…
Peter was St. John’s son
Then Jesus calls him “Simon the son of John” and gives him the name Cephas/Peter, which means rock (v. 42).…
I can’t go back
And I love you. I know that my texts don’t compel you to respond, because they are related to our…
Communication breaking down. …and hearts keep breaking too
…I looked at you – – just a smile in the front seat –and said– without saying anything – “We…
The wrong stop
I’ll never be as important to you as I want to bethought I could be thought I was. The face…
I just got a new sponsor
Will add another post later, with more details. This is just a quick thank you 🙏🏼 to the universe for…
Saying goodbye never stops
“ittakesa lot of desperation” Charles Bukowski “Poetry” I’ll be sorry and miss you every day for the rest of my…
Excerpt from my book
After them, the boys ran in the same formation,thinking Girls For The BoysElle B. Hunter
Yesterday I Hurt my Lover
“Your tongue bites like snakes.Heart erupts like Mt. Fugi.I will master both.” Jameson Den Hartog (post-it poem on my phone…
This is a polyamorous blog
Holidays have rarely been an enjoyable experience for me. That being said, this Thanksgiving is a whole new kind of…
A “design” for living: inspiring conversations with Uber drivers
It’s a fact. Please don’t try to argue it. Brilliant, highly educated people will calmly explain to you – with…
Gucci doesn’t hurt less than drugstore makeup
When you cryWhen I cry the sting of diluted mascara hurts the sameWhether I spent a malt liquor budget on…
“I said Goodbye “
He said I said “goodbye” back. Never before, how can“Goodbye” sound so different than “Bye”?Partly because they’re two distinct words.Partly…
Hippies to Grunge to Millennials…and finally the full circle Kids.
Darkness at the break of noonShadows even the silver spoonThe handmade blade, the child’s balloonEclipses both the sun and moonTo…
Loss and nothing at all
I don’t do well with feeling like I’ve lost something or someone. I get extremely triggered and panic. Panic Panic…
Cold November Rain of 2020: “he’s awake now, you can see him”.
Reflections on a dream and remembering the most toxic and tragic love story – with inspiration from Bret Easton Ellis,…
Letter To My Lover
12pm “yoga express” (30 minutes) was getting close and I was in school mode and did NOT want to stop…
Soundtrack To My Suicide: a follow-up to “Let the Mourning Period Begin” (October 24, 2022 post)
First Grand Avenue Liquor Store: 918 Grand Ave, St Paul, MN 55105
No holidays this year, please
If I had the money I would go out of the country. At least then I could pretend the people…
Magic undergrad
…until senior year when I (ironically ?) read Helter Skelter and my heart started dying – like the heart of…
The scene: a Roger’s Park apartment, the day after Christmas 2004
“As a nod to the founding members’ Southern foundation, rappers T.I.and Lil’ Wayne are featured on the track, which at…
One more thing before I go
Sometimes I look back All I can think is how did it take this long?
Bummer – but I’ll be back.
I have found, since starting this blog, that my focus on school has suffered. I am in the last quarter…
When you’ve been struggling for what feels like forever, and it’s felt like he isn’t tuned in enough because he isn’t falling in the hole with you.
Then you look up and realize he’s been holding it down, the fire continues to light up the village and…
I didn’t understand what she was doing, or what those billowing drapes meant, when I was 9.
But now…yea, I get it. It’s art. Only that picture can say it. Jules This is all there isShe says…
Wolves
Lost out, beat upDancin’, down thereI found you, somewhere out‘Round ’round there, right right thereLost and beat upDown there, dancin’I…
Socrates died for Philosphy
The word “philosophy” comes from the Greek philos (loving) + sophos (wise) meaning literally love of wisdom.
Hating the person you love most in the world is more exhausting than suicide.
“God save me from being angry.” The Big Book It doesn’t manner how much time has passed after crying that…
Things you get to hear in an AA meeting ❤️
“I get to have a full life.” “I don’t care about being relevant anymore.” For those of you who have…
“Love you guys!! I’m gonna go smoke two blunts and put on a miniskirt!!”
(Guy riding the Brown Line solo, shouting out to all the passengers in this car.) And then “love you guys!!”…
Never was a Cornflake Girl – and neither was Claire.
They know, and they do it anyway The raisin girls and me at Denny’s with joints of shwag but without…
On Kanye West
Respect to Kanye – and everyone else struggling with mental illness and psychotropic treatment – it’s not easy and I…
Elle to therapist (in 2020, when the world was so confused): “I love James.”
Therapist (with the warmth of a loving and supportive father or best friend): “I know you do.” Like imagining that…
He wasn’t assessing the importance of God, he was observing what we had done.
I’ve been for years offering a piece of my soul, I thought they would too but they never did. Seems…
Rumi, LSD, and no regrets: sometimes it’s just a bunch of quotes
*image: “[the] Round window above the altar at Boston University’s Marsh Chapel, site of the Harvard Psilocybin Project’s Marsh Chapel Experiment”
SOS to a partner
I said I’d stay here until you find me. Now neither of us even knows what that means, but you…
Mornings are rough
For any of you with depression and/or anxiety, do you notice that you feel worse in the morning? It’s called…
Secret flights to meet him on his business trip
I never thought I would betray a fellow woman by sleeping with her husband. I did, in the 2020 pandemic.…
So I moved back to the north side
The south side chewed me up, spit me out, and called me a “white bitch”. It was in a shitty…
Let the Mourning Period Begin
November 3, 2019 I’m not going to kill myself. I deserve better than that. And you can call this isolating,…
I met a girl like this every decade.
I look at her and light goes all through me.-Charles Bukowski
Influences
Jeff Littner, Charles Bukowski, Hunter S. Thompson, Plato, Taoism, Tori Amos, sobriety, Emily Dickenson, Jen Mullet, Eminem, Sylvia Plath, Bret…
A text from a best friend
You will get through this. and KNOW that although I may not be there physically, I AM WITH YOU. …
Solo Poly – The Dream Sets In
The things we’re supposed to be grateful for Your life is full You have everything a man could want It’s…
I’ll start in the middle since that’s where I am.
My name is Elle. And I’m an alcoholic lol. (Wait, that’s not funny at all. Like, I could have died…
Looking for Layla: an autobiographical account by Elle B. Hunter, dedicated to Jeff Littner and his “cheerleaders with black and gold hearts”. 