I can’t go back

And I love you.

I know that my texts don’t compel you to respond, because they are related to our rupture. When you are busy during your workday or time at home, and you get a text from me that causes confusion and hurt and frustration – RATHER THAN LOVE AND EXCITED JOY – it takes too much energy to engage with me.

So you don’t.

And I get it!
There’s nothing you can say
about a message like that.
All you can do is feel some tension and then try to get on with your day.

How I long for the days
when my playful
romantic
loving
texts would result in quick responses from you.

Now our rupture is leading to me not getting that from you, and it was the lifeblood of my secure attachment.

I don’t know what to do, baby.

You don’t have to figure it out.
I’m just saying I can’t.

And I don’t want to do this anymore,

this contributing of confusion and hurt and frustration.

I won’t – because it’s
making me not like myself
and
feel like
I’m
right back
in that cycle
of round-and-round
pain
with someone I thought was on my side.

The most dangerous game.
I know.

You don’t know how bad it was.

I can’t go back.