“…life, and life only”

I’ve been multiple levels beyond anxious because of partner problems and school.

Handed in my biggest assignment last Thursday night, and took one of my two final exams last night – the one I’m most concerned about…

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I’ll take depression over anxiety any day.

Today I slept until 12:30pm (which I probably needed) and now I’m still anxious but a lot more depressed.

No one – not even those closest to me that have the joy of hearing my wailing day after day – can understand how important this degree is to me. In it, is repeated tries at hope and effort after: being scared when I felt myself fading in a suicide attempt and then involuntary hospitalized, losing love again, being more afraid for my life because of another person’s rage on 55 South, losing an even bigger love, spending a week in the psych ward, putting my heart on the line yet again, losing sweet magical Jeff Littner to the very 2 hardest struggles in my own life (mental health and addiction), and making it out of a cave on the south side. And even after all that explanation, and the sound of my crying haunting them in the afternoon sun, they’ll never really understand.

Anxiety + depression + Elle. It’s quite the party when all 3 of us get together.

This life – this stupid Elle life – is killing me.

My eyes collide head-on with stuffed
Graveyards, false gods, I scuff
At pettiness which plays so rough
Walk upside-down inside handcuffs
Kick my legs to crash it off
Say okay, I have had enough
what else can you show me?

And if my thought-dreams could be seen
They’d probably put my head in a guillotine
But it’s alright, Ma, it’s life, and life only

Bob Dylan
It’s Alright, Ma (I’m Only Bleeding)
1965