Good Morning, Family – my name is Elle and I’m an alcoholic.

It’s not all doom and gloom. I know I write about ugly shit. It is to be transparent about what is in my soul. It is to show you , hopefully, that you can feel as dark as I have felt at times and also feel as light. My sponsor always tells me, when I’m feeling great – excited about the enormous beauty and perfection, joy and wonderment of every moment that I am so lucky to live: “Elle, it will pass”.

…it is that Way. This feeling of pleasure will not last – do not grasp or cling, it is futile and a waste of my precious time here. As well, do not grasp or cling to the pain that will surely come again – it, too, will pass. And neither pleasure nor pain are too reliable a source of authentic information about the way things are.

What makes you think that things are how/what you think they are? What gives you that right?

J. Krishnamurti

He is keeping me in the space where I do not feel too exerted or like Chaos* is still my friend like when I was mad and using. Mad with madness not anger. He’s keeping me in a place that is not so easy to lose, extreme sadness, or extreme excitement. He’s keeping me in the middle of the river where I can keep flowing with everything else and I don’t get stuck on the banks.

Did you think that your feet had been bound
By what gravity brings to the ground?
Did you feel you were tricked
By the future you picked?
Well, come on down
All these rules don’t apply
When you’re high in the sky
So come on down
Come on down
We’re coming down to the ground
There’s no better place to go
We’ve got snow up on the mountains
We’ve got rivers down below
We’re coming down to the ground
To hear the birds sing in the trees
And the land will be looked after
We send the seeds out in the breeze
Did you think you’d escaped from routine
By changing the script and the scene?
Despite all you made of it
You’re always afraid of the change
You’ve got a lot on your chest
Well, you can come as my guest
So come on down
Come on down
We’re coming down to the ground
There’s no better place to go
We’ve got snow up on the mountains
We’ve got rivers down below
We’re coming down to the ground
We’ll hear the birds sing in the trees
And the land will be looked after
We send the seeds out in the breeze
Like the fish in the ocean
We felt at home in the sea
We learned to live off the good land
We learned to climb up a tree
Then we got up on two legs
But we wanted to fly
Oh, when we messed up our homeland
And set sail for the sky
We’re coming down to the ground
There’s no better place to go
We’ve got snow upon the mountains
We’ve got rivers down below
We’re coming down to the ground
We’ll hear the birds sing in the trees
And the land will be looked after
We send the seeds out in the breeze
We’re coming down
Comin’ down to Earth
Like babies at birth
Comin’ down to Earth
Redefine your priorities
These are extraordinary qualities
We’re coming down to the ground
There’s no better place to go
We’ve got snow upon the mountains
We’ve got rivers down below
We’re coming down to the ground
We’ll hear the birds sing in the trees
And the land will be looked after
We send the seeds out in the breeze
We’re coming down to the ground
There’s no better place to go
We’ve got snow upon the mountains
We’ve got rivers down below
We’re coming down to the ground
We’ll hear the birds sing in the trees
And the land will be looked after
We send the seeds out in the breeze
Redefine your priorities
These are extraordinary qualities
To find on Earth

Peter Gabriel

*the first 100 alcoholics may not have capitalized the other side of the Higher Power – I do (here, at least). And may I digress, for a moment, if you will: I have “seen” the Chaos. On two occasions, one in the Convene building in Chicago in late April 2023 – 15 days before Jeff took this life of his – and again on the West side on March 14 2023. It is the scariest thing any of my cells have experienced. If you take the worst second of the worst trips you’ve ever had and multiply them by each other to infinity – that is what it felt like. And anyone who has ever had a bad trip knows what I mean. It is not a necessary condition, although it makes it more likely. And let me be clear about the use of the word “seen” here. What are eyes, anyway? The knowing of the mind, body, and soul is so much bigger than the eyes …..or even all five senses combined. So to say I have “seen” the Chaos – or Devil or Dark or whatever silly symbol you chose for reference** – is to say that my mind, body, and soul were acutely aware of the exquisite

adjective
adjective: exquisite
extremely beautiful and, typically, delicate.
"exquisite, jewellike portraits"

intensely felt.
"the most exquisite kind of agony"

highly sensitive or discriminating.
"her exquisite taste in painting"

absence of life and death

of meaning

of reasons for any symbols at all.

**words are just symbols for communication, and relatively unefficacious ones at that.